Nosemonkey's EUtopia

In search of a European identity


Via this bastard, and because I haven’t posted in a couple of days, a meme – eight random things about me. Rather than being random, however, I’ve decided to make it a celebrity special. So there.

1) I once got told off by the blond one out of Birds of a Feather for chatting up her daughter, who was apparently then seven years my junior, and decidedly illegal.

2) I once stood next to Jonathan Frakes of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame while at a urinal, and I’m pretty certain he thought I was checking out his equipment. (His phaser was not set to stun…)

3) Again urinal-related – I once approached Barry Norman in a gents to ask him a favour. He thought I was coming on to him. (And looked vaguely flattered…)

4) I’ve seen Bob Dylan play live while stoned out of my skull – the ultimate 60s experience. He was shit.

5) I went to both school and university with Chris Martin of Coldpay fame. He – despite the fact that everyone seems to hate him – is an alright bloke. His brother, on the other hand…

6) I once deliberately tried to cripple* Jeremy Irons‘ son while his dad was watching. (It was the year he’d tried to kill John McClane – what do you expect?

7) Christopher Lee once asked me to do him a favour, because he was trying to get a job on a film and reckoned I might be able to help him out.

8) I was once bought a Banana Dachary by John Simm of Doctor Who fame while getting pissed up in a gay bar with the cast of Queer as Folk. And I’m not gay. Well, maybe a bit…**

And a bonus one, just because I’m feeling nice: Patrick Stewart once told me, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off.***

* Note to Mr Policeman – not really, just to hurt a bit. Honest.
** Where IS that a quote from? I always forget…
*** Despite this and the Commander Riker cock-viewing experience, I am not a Trekkie. Honest.


  1. You spelled daiquiri wrong, you big fat luvvie.

  2. See, having John Simm buy me a daiquiri in a gay bar is basically my life’s ambition. Ah well. You bastard.

  3. Can’t spell it, eh? That proves I’m not your average drinker of such an effete tipple. (Never seen it written down, because I don’t peruse the cocktail menu – a pint of bitter, if not a single malt with a dash of water, worst case scenario a lager. Man’s man, me – but not a in gay way… obviously…)

  4. Bless you and your non-taggage.


  5. The quote’s from Jerry Springer The Opera. It’s what jesus says while wearing a nappy in the elongated dream sequence that is the second act.

    I don’t get why people bother doing these tag things and pretending that they don’t like to.