“The article which appeared in today�s Sun newspaper about something about which before now I couldn’t care less has highlighted a number of important issues, most notably that this has now got media attention and so I need to look as if I give a shit and am doing something, or else our ratings will drop even further than they did yesterday after our goons were caught on camera manhandling a pensioner.

“I have today asked my department to look at the details of this particular case and some of the broader issues that it raises – most notably how our PR department didn’t pick up on this sooner and thus save us from having to scrabble around like morons while we desperately try and cover our arses.”