And then he flew a flying saucer – fuelled only by the power of CHEESE – all the way to Pluto, where he made merry with the happy band of six-legged elephants that inhabit the former planet for nigh on sixteen weeks.

But his cheese stocks, verrily were they low, and thus the mighty Khalid Sheikh Mohammed – genius of geniuses, more devious and plot-filled than the all-glorious Lex Luthor himself – did fly back through the solar system, pausing only to blow up Saturn (‘cos it looked at him funny, like).

Back on earth, he stole all the gold from Fort Knox, sank the Bismark, killed the Loch Ness Monster, ran a four-minute mile, excavated the Channel Tunnel, became Elvis Presley (the Vegas years, obviously), drank the Caspian Sea, had a fight with a cougar (that he had genetically spliced with the genes of a warthog), melted the polar ice caps, built the Great Wall of China…

But then it was bedtime and his mummy was cross that he’d been out all day, so he didn’t get any tea. Poor Khalid Sheikh Mohammed!