Nosemonkey's EUtopia

In search of a European identity

Liveblogging the Lisbon apocalypse

With Vaclav Klaus’ low-key signature this afternoon, the Lisbon Treaty – which its critics have long accused of being capable of altering the very fabric of European life – has been ratified. I was in London, reporting the reactions live on Twitter as the news of the signing spread. First update c.3:15pm UK time, last c.6pm:

Right. So Lisbon’s signed. I await the end of the nation state (as warned of by some of its madder opponents) with positive glee.

If I got the anti-Lisbon memo right, we now all have to have abortions and join the army as well. Are the queues already forming?

Christ – these post-Lisbon laser-tattooed barcodes they’re forcing us to have burned onto our foreheads don’t half smart…

Christ – I work near Buckingham Palace. EU warplanes have just nuked it! Curse that Lisbon Treaty! I had it all wrong… Forgive me…

German soldiers are goose-stepping around St James’s Park! The EU flag is flying from the House of Commons. Woe! Woe! All is lost!

Morris dancers are being rounded up and shot. All bananas are being forcibly straightened. My blog has been taken over by a Romanian. Woe!

I’m afraid that post-Lisbon Brussels has decreed my name too anglocentric. I shall henceforward be known as Herr Nariz-m?rka?is.

Still, at least there’s one thing the anti-Lisbon lot can cheer – at least Gordon Brown’s no longer in charge of the country, eh?

RT @thejimsmith @Nosemonkey Have your pounds turned to ashes in your pockets? Mine have.

RT @duckorange The Royal crest on my passport has completely burned away, just like what God did to that crate in Raiders of the Lost Ark

Michael Stipe is singing about how he feels fine from the smoking crater of the palace. Surviving patriots are pelting him with rubble.

Just spotted Nigel Farage run past, shouting “I told you so” – then the dogs got him. Their blue collars with yellow stars were very dapper.

RT @duckorange And, incredibly, post-Lisbon Treaty, Nick Griffin now leads the European International Party. He is – however – still a twat

RT @thejimsmith @Nosemonkey Waterloo Station has just disappeared of the Tube map! It’s been replaced by one called Arcole!

RT @thejimsmith @Nosemonkey I no longer understand Imperial measurements! This pint glass has shrunk to a half litre IN MY HAND!

Is it just me, or are the skies getting darker even as I type? Lisbon’s evil stretches to the very heavens! [c.5pm]

And when Vaclav Klaus had signed the seventh EU treaty, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour…

And I saw the seven treaties which stood before Brussels; and to them were given seven trumpets…

And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer; and there was given unto him much incense…

See? It was all there, if only we had bothered to look – even down to Tony B-liar becoming President of the EU with his incense and stuff!

RT @duckorange @Nosemonkey Post Lisbon Treaty – Just seen a foreign chappie hammering all the bananas flat in Budgens. We’re DOOMED!

A priest has just come into the office and forcibly converted us all to Catholicism. Except the Muslims, getting special treatment AS ALWAYS

One committed Anglican protested. They crucified him on an EU flag. Oh the humanity!

Breaking, from the City of London: British Airways now called European Airways. British Gas, however, now known as Russian Gas…

British Telecom is now owned by Orange. Thanks to Gordon Brown and his recession, there were no other British companies left.

Jutland Square (formerly Trafalgar Square) to host compulsary Lisbon celebrations tonight. Non-attendance means death.

RT @nickjbarlow @Nosemonkey And no excuse for not getting there now that the trains are running on time. [Curse those efficient Italians!]

In (European) Parliament Square, Churchill’s statue is being pulled down and replaced with one of Jean Monnet.

RT @thejimsmith @Nosemonkey They’re painting EU stars on the London Eye so they can blink sinisterly at the mother of parliaments!

RT @thejimsmith @Nosemonkey They’ve pulled down Pitt’s statue and replaced him with Konrad Adenauer. Roy Jenkins’ ghost is gloating at him.

Looks like the news about Lisbon has spread – across London, people are streaming out of offices and rushing to be with their loved ones… [c.6pm]

Hearing Claude Levi-Strauss has died, just before his 101st birthday. Was probably the shock of Lisbon… [c.7:30pm]