Nosemonkey's EUtopia

In search of a European identity

A few bizarre Europhobe rumours

A few bizarre Europhobe rumours from that pamphlet. The great thing is how most of them are so damn petty and patently ridiculous, and would hardly make any difference to the so-called British way of life even if they were implemented:

20) Brussels bureaucrats are going to introduce a standard Euro-condom of insufficient size to house British assets

25) Brussels tried to torpedo “lethal” PVC bathtime ducks

31) Brussels plans to harmonise size of coffins

32) Brussels has banned English Oaks

34) British seesaws are banned by EU bureaucrats for breaching European Union safety regulations

38) MEPs discriminate against ferrets

62) Local sweet shops will be forced to close due to Brussels regulations banning them from selling unwrapped sweets

64) Eurocrats to ban English apples over 55mm across

65) Curved bananas are to be banned – the infamous one, and a load of bollocks

67) Brandy butter is to be renamed “brandy spreadable fat”

73) Information about nuts must now be put in Latin instead of English

74) Cucumbers will be banned by Brussels unless they are straight and must not arch more than 10mm for every 10mm of their length

76) Square gin bottles are to be compulsorily replaced by round bottles to ensure a level playing field under the single market

79) Traditional pizza sizes in inches are to be outlawed

83) Brussels plans banning mushy peas

88) Brussels bureaucrats want to ban British milk bottles

97) The European Court of Justice has ruled that it is illegal to criticise the European Union

99) EU plans to criminalise journalists

132) British lollipop ladies are having to bow to Brussels’ relentless drive for harmonisation by getting new harmonised sign designs

173) Britain never chose to be in Europe, it was imposed on us – utter nonsense – excellent!

181) America is worried that the European Rapid Reaction Force will undermine NATO – America worried about undermining NATO? Ha!

It’s interesting stuff, this Europe business. There’s a hell of a lot of information out there – it’s going to take a fair while to wade through it all. I’ll try and stick it out for the long-haul, if only so I’ve got loads of facts and figures to chuck at people who make stupid claims like those above…

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