Nosemonkey's EUtopia

In search of a European identity

April 5, 2007
by Nosemonkey
1 Comment

About bloody time

From the Financial Times:

The European Union yesterday offered to open its huge market fully to poor countries that signed bilateral trade deals this year. Brussels is proposing to scrap tariffs and quotas on sensitive products such as beef, corn, fruit and vegetables for the 78 so-called ACP countries, mostly former colonies in the African, Caribbean and Pacific regions, from January 1 2008.

The International Herald Tribune has more on a story which doesn’t seem to have been widely reported:

The commission said the offer covered all products — including farm goods such as beef, dairy products, cereals and all fruit and vegetables — and will take effect through “economic partnership agreements” the EU is negotiating with six African, Caribbean and Pacific regions… The commission said it is not asking the affected nations to reply in kind.

If you can read French, there’s even more at Liberation in the shape of a Q&A about the deal with ACP Group co-ordinator Shree Baboo Chekitan Servansing, who doesn’t seem quite as enthusiastic as one might think…

April 4, 2007
by Nosemonkey
3 Comments

Online charitable fundraising – a bit of help needed…

I’ve just knocked up a quick website (free of charge and hosting chucked in, naturally) for a rather nice little charity run by a friend of the family that’s aiming to provide residential accommodation, day care, training and work experience for people with learning disabilities in East Sussex.

As the charity’s so small and local, I’m not sure that the usually rather good Just Giving site is necessarily the best way forward for them to provide a secure method for online donations, as the £15 a month subscription fee would eat up a good £180 a year.

Does anyone know of any alternatives – specifically ones that can be operated largely automatically, as the people running the charity are (by their own admission) hardly web savvy? I’m trying to avoid the PayPal or WorldPay solution if at all possible, as the donation system also needs to be as simple as possible for non web users…

Ta!

April 3, 2007
by Nosemonkey
1 Comment

A European periphery roundup

It’s not just in Ukraine that things are happening. All around Europe’s eastern fringe, people seem to have become a tad unsettled by the onset of Spring.

In fact, the most stable country on Europe’s eastern edge seems to be Turkey, where the economy is booming and EU accession talks are still going on despite all the setbacks last year. The South East European Times has a tip-top overview of the issues and state of play.

A bit north, and Romanian Prime Minister Calin Popescu Tariceanu is expected to form a new coalition, having dissolved his unstable government – Edward Lucas is good on how, why, and what the chances are that the new government will be stable, and notes

The government crisis has come just before Romania reports to the EU on its progress. The European Commission will publish its own assessment in June. It is unlikely to trigger the safeguard clauses that allow Brussels to cut aid and stop co-operation with Bulgaria and Romania if either starts backsliding. But it will make uncomfortable reading.

Further north, Estonia’s also just got a new coalition – albeit a a rather more stable one – this year’s elections are the first time since Estonia gained independence in 1991 that voters have seen fit to grant a Prime Minister a second term in office. Britain, take note…

Further north again, it seems Lithuania could soon be following, as the ruling party looks set to dissolve parliament and call elections 15 months early.

Meanwhile, Latvia is also looking a bit unstable, with referenda on the cards following the government’s attempts to introduce somewhat dodgily authoritarian-sounding “emergency security measures”, which would, according to a leading opponent, “open the door to very serious political manipulation… and, ultimately, influence by the so-called oligarchs, which would be very dangerous”. Fun fun fun… (Sounds rather like the UK – which is actually worse off, as it’s now illegal to dispute government policy even within parliament…)

Poland, too, is looking increasingly odd, as Jon Worth notes (with more at the Economist’s excellent new Europe blog). And that’s before you even get started on the highly controversial new law (which came into effect a couple of weeks ago) requiring the best part of 700,000 civil servants, teachers and journalists to sign an oath stating whether or not they collaborated with the secret services prior to the collapse of communism back in 1989. Anyone who lies is set to be fired – a bizarre, McCarthyite step for a country in which the question “are you or have you ever been a member of the communist party” is going to be met with a “yes” from just about everyone over the age of 35…

And in Bulgaria there are likewise signs that all is not right, as the recent arrest of Turkmen dissident Annadurdy Hadjiev seems to show. Hardly the sort of support for free speech and democracy we’d all like to see… There are also ongoing concerns about Bulgarian attitudes to the Roma minority, and Brussels is not at all happy about the progress being made in the fight against corruption and organised crime. Still, that at least plays well for the Bulgarian eurosceptics, who are trying to build support – but Bulgarians all seem to hate their politicians anyway, so I doubt they’ll get far…

Thankfully, Hungary at least is looking a bit more promising, with a new coalition just about to settle into place following recent internal party elections to help stabilise the government, following last year’s riots and unrest caused by the surprising admission from Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsany that he deliberately lied to the electorate.

And while all this is going on, Europe’s nuttiest country – the dotty dictatorship of Belarus – is still refusing to meet the conditions required for it to rejoin the Council of Europe – you know, like commitments to basic levels of human rights, democracy, not beating up your political opponents, that kind of thing. But hell – why bother sucking up to Europe when Vladimir Putin’s more than happy to be friends with you? In fact, going by the talk of Russia and Belarus “forming a common economic space, customs union, free labour market, common information, educational and cultural environment”, it sounds almost like a new-style, EU-inspired USSR may be on the cards in the East. Intriguing – and potentially very dangerous to the EU’s economic stability…

April 2, 2007
by Nosemonkey
7 Comments

Another Ukraine upset

I’ve been keeping a loose eye on Ukraine ever since liveblogging the Orange Revolution back in November/December 2004 (starting from a position of complete ignorance about the country, let alone the events taking place – but since when did ignorance stop a blogger from having an opinion?).

But, to be honest, the chaos of those uncertain days – with various supporters of rival candidates taking to the streets, rumours of Russian involvement, talk of assassination attempts and threats of military coups – meant that I never really got my head around Ukrainian politics.

The only thing I did come out of the “Orange Revolution” with was a sense that, despite appearances, neither side was quite as it appeared, and that for non-expert commentators to try to simplify the spat as between pro-Western and pro-Russian groupings was as misleading as it was trite. I even started questioning the received wisdom that Orange leader Viktor Yuschenko was some kind of wonderful, democratic hero as the “Revolution” was at its height, so stereotypically perfect a revolutionary did he appear, and so unanimous was his Western support.

Well, in the last couple of years it seems my doubts had some justification, as all the promise of the Orange Revolution seems to have evaporated – although not necessarily for the reasons I first feared. Crisis after crisis has hit Yushchenko’s various coalitions, as the old supporters of the movement that brought him to power have splintered off into opposition, and he’s ended up teaming up with the very people the Orange Revolution was designed to boot out of office, and whom were accused at the revolution’s height of being behind the alleged plot to assassinate him.

Now, once again, coalitions have started to fracture, another crisis is in the offing, and protestors are out on the streets of Kiev.

With the country’s political scene split three ways between Yuschenko loyalists, supporters of fellow former Orange revolutionary Yulia Tymoshenko, and those of the chap the Orange Revolution was launched to get rid of, Viktor Yanukovich (not to mention all the sub-sections and cross-overs between the three main groupings, and all the other parties involved, like parliamentary Chairman Oleksander Moroz’s Socialists), it appears that no one in Ukraine has quite the popular support that is necessary to form a stable government. The outcome is practically impossible to predict.

All that does seem certain is that such instability on the EU’s eastern frontier is a constant worry. With Europe increasingly reliant on Russian energy supplies, and Ukraine being one of the major routes for Russian gas to reach the EU, a stable, sensibly-run Ukraine is essential. If the country goes the route of other unstable, resource-rich former socialist states – like Belarus to its north or the nutty dictatorships of Central Asia – then the EU as a whole could be in serious trouble.

Update: As vaguely suspected, Yushchenko’s dissolved parliament and called a snap election. There have been vague reports of riot police on the streets of Kiev in case the rival groups of supporters get tetchy, but so far – despite discontent all round – there have been no signs of violence.

Interesting to hear BBC News 24 still explaining this as a clash between “pro-Western” and “pro-Russian” groups, though. Just a tad simplistic from Auntie, that…

Tuesday update: Foreign Notes is back with more – including the intriguing news that parliament has threatened the press with prosecution if it prints the president’s pronouncement…

March 28, 2007
by Nosemonkey
15 Comments

A 50th birthday present (to the eurosceptics)

How much happier is it possible to make our anti-EU chums than this little story, just a few days after the EU’s damp squib birthday celebrations?

Mass dawn raids over EU ‘Mafia links’

More than 40 dawn raids were carried out in four countries yesterday by police investigating alleged Mafia involvement in European Union security and building contracts worth millions of euros…

The investigation involves suspected bribery of European civil servants, forming a criminal organisation, violating professional secrecy, breaches of public tender laws and forgery

Superb! Nice job, EU-type chaps! We already know that the Commission’s riddled with corruption and that even the EU’s anti-fraud office OLAF is, if not wilfully aiding corruption, then piss-poor at cleaning it up, but this takes the proverbial.

Further EU fraud reading:

– Wikipedia on whistleblower Paul van Buitenen (whose investigations led to the fall of the Santer Commission back in 1999)

– Wikipedia again on the slightly nutty Hans-Peter Martin MEP (who exposed the widespread fiddling of expenses by MEPs)

– The pathetic failure to even attempt to punish ex-Commissioner (and former French Prime Minister) Édith Cresson even after she was found guilty of abusing her position for personal gain (see Case C-432/04 at the European Court of Justice last year – and also the EU Law Blog on the same

– The abysmal treatment of the EU’s former chief accountant Marta Andreasen, who pointed out that the lack of double-entry bookkeeping in the EU institutions (a standard for accounting for centuries) left the place wide open to fraud (her figure of a potential 10,000 cases in 2002 alone, however, being just that: potential; she didn’t try to point to specific examples, just systemic failures that would allow for up to 10,000 cases of fraud a year), only to be suspended for “violating Articles 12 and 21 of staff regulations, failure to show sufficient loyalty and respect” – wonderfully adding to the eurosceptic arsenal of “the EU’s an authoritarian hellhole” missiles

Politics.co.uk on EU budget fraud

Marta Andreasen on “the EU’s culture of corruption”

March 25, 2007
by Nosemonkey
1 Comment

Euroblog roundup 1

Welcome to the inaugural Euroblog roundup on this, the 50th anniversary weekend of the Treaty of Rome.

Now, how this is normally going to work is as follows: every other Sunday the Euroblog roundup will compile the best blog posts of the previous two weeks in one handy package. The only criteria – they have to be good and have some kind of European focus. You’re an Australian writing about Austria? Fine. You’re a Basque writing about Brazil? Sorry.

Any submissions most welcome – to EUroundup [at] gmail [dot] com – as the whole point of this is to expand everyone’s knowledge of the kind of blogging quality there is out there, and there’s no way I know every European blog (hell, I can’t even read most of them, as they’re written in foreign). The next roundup I hope to have here in a fortnight – then it will start travelling.

And now, to the linky goodness. But remember – as this is the first of these roundups, a number of these posts are a few months old. In future, only posts from the last two weeks will qualify… Continue Reading →

March 22, 2007
by Nosemonkey
4 Comments

The Berlin Declaration – whoops!

I know that as a good pro-EU type I should find this pathetically awful farce depressing, rather than amusing, but it’s tricky.

The Berlin Declaration, for those of you who are lucky enough not to know, is the agreement German Chancellor (and current EU president) Angela Merkel was hoping to get the leaders of all 27 EU member states to sign this weekend.

It is, at its most basic level, a brief statement of shared EU principles, combined with a commitment to the idea of reforming the EU by 2009 at the latest (and yes, it was indeed originally meant to be reformed by 2004 at the latest – shush at the back). Some – including the Murdoch Press – wanted to spin it as a mini-constitution, but that’s a load of abject nonsense, from what I can tell.

In any case, it looks like poor old Angela’s cunning little plan just ain’t going to happen, the eurosceptic Czech president Václav Klaus pointing out that he can’t be expected to sign anything he wasn’t consulted on, that references to the environment and climate change within the text are ill-conceived, and that he is not prepared to commit the Czech Republic to a 2009 deadline to rush through reforms.

The upshot?

Ms Merkel, conscious that a row with Mr Klaus would overshadow celebrations of the 50th anniversary of the Union’s founding Treaty of Rome, will not ask him to sign the declaration.

Her spokesman said she would sign the statement on behalf of all 27 EU members and hoped their leaders would support her. The declaration will also be signed by José Manuel Barroso, European Commission president, and Hans-Gert Pöttering, president of the European parliament.

So, far from becoming a new symbol of hope an co-operation, as she evidently hoped, Merkel’s Berlin Declaration looks set to be interpreted as an edict issued from on high without any consultation (from the European country with perhaps the least leeway to issue orders to anyone, after the last century), and counter-signed by the unelected head of the most powerful organisation in the union and a man who heads a parliament that still holds little real power.

They really have no idea about presentation at all, these people… I mean, how hard is it to predict the negative reactions to Berlin trying to issue unilateral orders to the rest of Europe again?

March 21, 2007
by Nosemonkey
Comments Off on “The French have lost much” and become “the sick man of Europe”

“The French have lost much” and become “the sick man of Europe”

So, at least, thinks Maurice Faure – France’s Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs 1956-8, and the last surviving original signatory of the Treaty of Rome. In an interview with Spanish paper El Pais, as the 50th anniversary of the Treaty rapidly approaches, he’s really rather scathing about the progress and contributions La Belle France has made during the last half century.

In amongst it all,there are some nice snippets about the signing of the treaty, and France’s intentions back in March 1957 (loosely translated with the help of Mr Google and a pocket Spanish dictionary):

“An enthusiastic atmosphere reigned. There were groups of young Italians that came to congratulate us, wanted to shake our hands. The praise was enormous”, remembers the 85 year-old from his Paris home, shortly before heading off for Rome and Berlin, where the European authorities will celebrate the half century of the Union this weekend by pulling our all the stops. But beyond Roman euro-enthusiasts, the signing of the Treaty didn’t provoke much interest, according to Faure. “To the French this subject did not worry them much, what really mattered to them was Algeria. The Common Market occupied more space in newspapers of Italy, Germany or the Benelux, but in general it was a project that the elites took care of; the people did not really understand what it was all about”.

Agriculture was by then already one of the main obstacles to negotiations. French pressure ensured that important aids to agriculture were included in addition [to energy and trade agreements]. “The text was a great concession to the farmers”, says Faure… “During all the negotiations it was necessary to maintain to their current level the farmers, who sent a telegram to the deputies and the senators of all six countries to get them to vote in favor of the Treaty”. …In the last 50 years, the European economy has undergone a radical transformation, but not the weight of agriculture in the community’s policies policies – 40% of the European budget is dedicated to the area, which continues to be the most important.

Faure, a fervent pro-European, does not hide his disappointment with what is happening to the European project. “We hoped for much more. Europe is in crisis and is no longer advancing”…

Faure understands that Angela Merkel, the German chancellor… wants to wake Europe from its lethargy, but thinks that the greatest celebrations would have to be in Rome. “What’s being celebrated in Berlin is an aberration”, says Faure, who, nevertheless, shows with pride the letter from Merkel inviting him to travel to the German capital this weekend. “I don’t know, I hope that they translate the ceremony into French. The Treaty of Rome negotiated everything in French, but all this has changed, the French have lost much”.

It’d be nice to have the full interview (preferably translated by a professional, rather than someone whose only knowledge of Spanish comes from Terminator 2) – there are so many tantalising hints there of what everyone suspects about France’s original attitude towards the EEC, and the bullying tactics used to gain concessions, but nothing overly explicit.

Wouldn’t it be nice for one of the chief French negotiators to explicitly admit that “yeah, erm… we basically ripped you guys off because we could get away with it, so, erm… the foundation stone of the EU project is a bit of a sham, really”? Then we might finally be able to shake of the mythologising of the Treaty of Rome, and come up with something rather better – based on the 21st century needs of all 27 member states, rather than the mid-20th century needs of just France.

Ho-hum – I can dream, can’t I?

March 20, 2007
by Nosemonkey
9 Comments

Short political memories

2007

  • Inflation 2.8%
  • Unemployment 5.4%
  • 25 years of solid economic growth (the longest sustained period of economic growth for 150 years), currently at 2-3%
  • 5th or 6th largest GDP in the world
  • 1973/4 (the year Britain joined what is now the EU)

  • Inflation 8.4%
  • Repeated strikes (civil servants, dockers, gas workers, engineers, firemen, miners) in the face of pay freezes
  • OPEC crisis leads to the three day week
  • Terrorist bombs at the Old Bailey, Whitehall, Houses of Parliament
  • Taxes rising constantly (9% increase in National Insurance contributions in October alone)
  • State of Emergency declared after coal and electricity workers refuse to do overtime
  • Fuel and speed restrictions imposed on the roads, lighting and heating restrictions in commercial premises
  • An additional 1.5 million register as unemployed during the course of the year
  • In short, the year 1973/4 was one of the worst in Britain’s recent history.

    But hey – who cares about little things like “facts”, “honesty” and “perspective” when you’re formulating your ill-considered political opinions? Because, let’s face it, by pretty much any objective measurement the UK is significantly, almost amazingly better off today than it was in the year the country joined the EU.

    Not that objectivity has anything to do with it, of course. How else could 52% of British people polled for a new survey seriously claim that the UK is worse off now than it was when the country joined the EEC?

    (Via)

    March 19, 2007
    by Nosemonkey
    3 Comments

    A couple of new EU blogs – and introducing the Euroblog roundup

    Don’t know how I hadn’t spotted this, but the Economist’s new EU-blog Certain Ideas of Europe (featuring the occasional contribution from blogging Economist journo Edward Lucas) has been going for a couple of months now, and is – as you’d probably expect from the Economist – really rather good.

    There’s also a new CAP-centred blog, C€AS€ (the Campaign for the Eradication of Agricultural Subsidies in Europe), which only has two posts at the moment, but might be fun. (via).

    (Oh, and in previous new EU blog roundups – one and two and the CIS version – I seem to have neglected to mention linklog Eurocat, which has some handy EU-related stuff knocking about.)

    THE EUROBLOG ROUNDUP

    In the spirit of (i.e. in a blatant attempt to rip off) the Britblog Roundup started by Tim Worstall a couple of years back now, I’ve been pondering a “Euroblog” version for a while.

    This coming weekend, being the focus of the 50th anniversary of the Treaty of Rome celebrations, seems as good a time as any to kick this off. Ideally we’d have a mushy “what binds us all together despite our differences” kind of theme, but meh… Too short notice for that, probably.

    Even so, for the first one I’m hoping for 50 tip-top blog posts on aspects of European life – politics, culture, history, pro-EU, anti-EU, you name it (though racist/viciously xenophobic entries will likely be disregarded) – and “Europe” being whatever definition you prefer. I’m not restricting this entirely to the EU – CIS entries are also welcome. Hell – let’s say anything from or on a country that is (or was, in the case of the likes of Belarus) a member of the Council of Europe is eligible.

    The only real qualifier, though, is that they have to be good: original, interesting, well-written, provocative. The point, as with the Britblog Roundup, is to show what quality there is out there – and to introduce us all to new European blogs that we may well have missed. They can be any European language you like (as long as in the covering email you explain what the post is about – in English – if it’s not in English to begin with) – though English or French of choice, as those are the two most people can read.

    So – how about we give this a pop? Any submissions – your own or other people’s – send to EUroundup [at] gmail [dot] com by 10am (CET) this coming Sunday 25th March. I’ll whack the first one up here (and possibly also at The Sharpener, even though it’ll be in breach of our cross-posting rules there), and then perhaps we could turn this into one of those travelling carnival things, giving everyone a bit of extra traffic. What do you reckon?

    March 18, 2007
    by Nosemonkey
    2 Comments

    All your Finnish election needs

    Two days ago marked the 100th anniversary of parliamentary democracy in Finland. Today they’ve got an election. Polls close in about an hour and a half, so it’s about to get interesting. (Well, possibly…)

    Thanks to the way this is all likely to work out, we could well see a new Prime Minister emerge by the morning – which would mean that the EU loses one of its most sensible contributors, the self-described “Euro-pragmatistMatti Vanhanen.

    In other words, there could well be a wider impact than just a few alterations to the reindeer supply… Worth paying attention to.

    First up, check out Aapotsikko’s overview of the key issues, plus predictions. You could do a lot worse than hop around the rest of the blog to catch up on background. (Finland for Thought also has some decent election coverage.)

    Then follow the results as they come in, and keep an eye on Finnish newspaper Helsingen Sannomat (in English), plus this useful news site (and another)

    Wikipedia’s page on the elections is also likely to be helpful to those of us who don’t really know much about Finnish politics.

    Any other suggestions of handy Finnish sites much appreciated.

    10 pm Update: Well that was quick – two hours after the polls closed, 99% of the votes counted, and it looks like Vanhannen stays in by just one seat.

    Update 2: Aapotsikko’s back with context and analysis

    March 18, 2007
    by Nosemonkey
    1 Comment

    Franco-British relations – an intriguing hypothetical

    (A quicky, as I’m still insanely busy…)

    With the overdue exit, stage centre-right, of Chirac it looks like France could have its first change in forever of fundamentally shifting its relations with its fellow EU member states.

    Pretty much since its inception, the Franco-German EU alliance has been at the heart of the project, and France in particular has been able to call the majority of the EU shots. Germany often seems to have felt largely powerless to resist French requests and demands – because, after all, part of the initial point of what has become the EU was to prevent Germany invading France again. German war guilt has, to date, largely prevented the EU’s strongest economy from throwing its weight around.

    But the departure of Shroeder after last year’s German elections gave the soon-to-be-gone Chirac a tricky last few months in office, with little in the way of obvious agreement between Chirac and Merkel on pretty much anything substantial being evident in the last few months. There’s no open hostility, perhaps, but Merkel’s frustration with the French “no” vote in the constitutional referendum – and the refusal of any leading French politician to fully come out in support of Merkel’s own plans for the future of the EU – seems to have been causing some tensions below the surface. Le Figaro has a rather nice overview of some of the recent Franco-German difficulties (in English).

    The upshot is that whoever becomes France’s next president in a month or so is going to have to think very carefully about France’s EU future, and just which other EU leaders they want to throw in their lot with.

    Of the major EU member states (by which I mean those with the potential to exert serious influence), Germany seems dead keen on the existing EU constitutional text that France has rejected, as does Spain. Both countries have governments we can expect to be in power for a few years yet – and seem destined for a close alliance. Italy under Romano Prodi is also very in favour of the constitution, but his position (like that of all Italian Prime Ministers) is so unstable that Italy can’t be relied on by anyone at the moment. Poland is a wild-card, being run by twin nutters who seem unable to get on with anyone – but, most crucially, with Germany least of all. Britain is shortly about to shift from a Europhile Prime Minister (who’s done little to prove it in the eyes of most continental Europhiles) to one who is more of a sceptic, be it Brown or Cameron.

    Neither Sarkozy nor Royal have said much about their EU plans in this election campaign, as it’s far, far too contentious an issue after the referendum. But up-and-coming “third man” François Bayrou – who increasingly seems to be one of the freshest candidates France has been offered in a while – appears not to have their reticence. It almost sounds like he could be pondering something REALLY radical: a shift from the informal Franco-German to a Franco-British alliance.

    This is, of course, all highly unlikely. Bayrou’s in third place and his chances of winning are slim – as much as anything can be predicted in a race this tight and volatile – not to mention that it’s unclear precisely what he means when he says that, if elected, he’d tell Britain’s next prime minister that it’s time to end the “years of quibbling” and that “we have a lot to do together”.

    But just imagine for a moment what would happen if, of the EU’s big three, it was suddenly France and Britain who had the closest relationship, rather than France and Germany, as it has been for the last fifty years.

    Just imagine if the French “no” vote in the constitutional referendum was indicative of a deeper dissatisfaction with the EU, rather than the mere dissatisfaction with Chirac that it has often been presented as, and that France is shifting towards a more British scepticism of the current EU project.

    Just imagine if France and Britain were, for pretty much the first time in the history of the EU, able to find a common ground where British concerns about the huge French CAP receipts were fully acknowledged, French concerns about the UK’s rebate likewise, and were able to work together, rather than in constant opposition.

    Just imagine, rather than an EU supposedly irrevocably split between the “Anglo-Saxon model” and the French model, a way could be found to combine the two.

    Bloody unlikely, I know, but still. France and Germany have plotted out so much of the EU’s development in unofficial bipartisan closed-door meetings over the years, and the project has stalled. Could a similar arrangement between France and Britain bear more fruit? And, most importantly, will anyone have the chance or the guts to try?

    March 15, 2007
    by Nosemonkey
    2 Comments

    Key 9/11 figure ‘beheaded Pearl’

    And then he flew a flying saucer – fuelled only by the power of CHEESE – all the way to Pluto, where he made merry with the happy band of six-legged elephants that inhabit the former planet for nigh on sixteen weeks.

    But his cheese stocks, verrily were they low, and thus the mighty Khalid Sheikh Mohammed – genius of geniuses, more devious and plot-filled than the all-glorious Lex Luthor himself – did fly back through the solar system, pausing only to blow up Saturn (‘cos it looked at him funny, like).

    Back on earth, he stole all the gold from Fort Knox, sank the Bismark, killed the Loch Ness Monster, ran a four-minute mile, excavated the Channel Tunnel, became Elvis Presley (the Vegas years, obviously), drank the Caspian Sea, had a fight with a cougar (that he had genetically spliced with the genes of a warthog), melted the polar ice caps, built the Great Wall of China…

    But then it was bedtime and his mummy was cross that he’d been out all day, so he didn’t get any tea. Poor Khalid Sheikh Mohammed!

    March 11, 2007
    by Nosemonkey
    1 Comment

    90 years ago today

    Ahhhh… Those were the days… And it all led to this:

    “our armies do not come into your cities and lands as conquerors or enemies, but as liberators. Since the days of Halaka your city and your lands have been subject to the tyranny of strangers, your palaces have fallen into ruins, your gardens have sunk in desolation, and your forefathers and yourselves have groaned in bondage. Your sons have been carried off to wars not of your seeking, your wealth has been stripped from you by unjust men and squandered in distant places.

    Since the days of Midhat, the Turks have talked of reforms, yet do not the ruins and wastes of today testify the vanity of those promises?

    It is the wish not only of my King and his peoples, but it is also the wish of the great nations with whom he is in alliance, that you should prosper even as in the past, when your lands were fertile, when your ancestors gave to the world literature, science, and art, and when Baghdad city was one of the wonders of the world.

    Don’t you just love over-simplified historical parallels that make the current situation in Iraq look like even more of a mismanaged disaster?

    (And now we return to our regular, Iraq-free broadcasts…)