As if the team’s performances on the pitch weren’t boringly average enough, we now get our two options for next Prime Minister acting like primary school kids fighting over who had the “best” seat at the football. “Best” here meaning “most like ordinary people”, apparently.

As such, by Labour’s definition, “ordinary” is being given a ticket to a world cup match by the government of the host country – the Tories think it’s flying by private jet to take up a ticket donated by the company broadcasting the match in the UK.

(Note to Brown and Cameron – grow up and get on with your jobs, you infantile morons.)

Both Brown and Cameron are somewhat like the current England team, come to think of it – their hardcore supporters think they’ve got a real chance but everyone else knows they’re lucky to have got as far as they have; they show occasional flashes of brilliance, more often brief spells of mere competence, yet you always have a sneak feeling that when they do well it’s only a fluke; and they’re both not only really rather dull but also lack the ability to inspire enthusiasm from those not already converted to the cause.

(Note to the England team – please get knocked out by Ecuador and save us from further bromidic, pedestrian, somniferous performances.)

* sod it, everyone else is doing it – something to do with this World Cup business, I suppose…